July 7th

I just read my last post….wow just a bit angry. LOL Healthwise I’m doing a LITTLE better at the moment. I have to go day to day on that one. I was feeling pretty sick last week….just think I had a stomach virus or something. I hate being nauseous. I DID end up seeing an internal medicine doctor here in town on June 28th. I had called & made an appt. out of frustration really. He is very cool. He is also more into chakras, auras, etc. That surprised me a little, but I think it’s very cool that he is. He ordered more blood work to check my thyroid again & a few other things. I have had my thyroid checked before & it has always come back normal. I have nodules on my thyroid, but so far they are benign. Hoping it stays that way. I go back to see him on the 15th. I last wrote in here on June 15th…well the next day I did go to the ER. I felt REALLY bad & it’s better to be safe than sorry. All came back OK…as usual. I always feel a bit stupid when all comes back “normal.” I’m glad that nothing is wrong, but I would also like someone to fix me dammit. LOL I haven’t taken my diet pill since June 15th. I also stopped taking the hormone pill my gynecologist had me on. I need to figure some things out for myself apparently. The hormone pill…it can cause blood clots, stroke , etc. & it’s worse for people who are obese…which is me. Also the risk is higher if you have a close relative that has those things anyway. My mom has been on a high dose of blood thinners for years because her blood clots so easily. So yeah I don’t think so. As for the diet pill…why risk heart issues for something that isn’t even working for me? Though I AM tempted to at least finish the bottle I have. Not sure what I will decide to do right now. I “exercised” the other day. I know that I have to do my knee exercises that they showed me in physical therapy, but I have been very lazy about doing those. I did them the other day…and my knee hurt worse. But it calmed down after awhile. I also was able to do a whopping 5 minutes of a video on Beach Body. I used to be ableto do the whole thing! My legs are weak. I hope that’s just because of my knee. I know that I don’t use my left leg like I should. But BOTH legs are weak & get tired easily. I did dishes yesterday & I had to stop & take a short break during because my lower back starts “burning” if I stand too long. I swear….some days all I can do is laugh, because otherwise yI would start crying & probably never stop. I DID cry the other day. Just everything catching up with me. Plus that was the day that I was getting the stomach virus & sometimes when my stomach doesn’t feel good, I get a panicky feeling. Just cried over everything & got it out of my system. I must admit that there are some moments that I feel sorry for myself & throw a huge pity party. LOL But I try to snap out of that when it happens. NOT easy. There are just some dark places sometimes. I want to be able to DO things without worrying about if I will be able to or not. I want to go places still & do things that would require walking…but I can’t right now. I worry that I will never be able to again. That depresses the hell out of me.
Jason & I are doing MUCH better. πŸ™‚ I’m not sure what changed, but we text more & he called me out of the blue yesterday. We have had a connection from the start, so I’m hoping that all goes well with that too. You never know how life will go. I learned that we basically have no control over a lot of things. I just have to remind myself to go with the flow.
Matthew has his appt in Denver on the 10th to have another scan done. I think it’s really important that he does. He has been having some issues feeling like there is something in his chest & throat. I know he has some major anxiety, so am hoping that that is all it is. Then the next day, he has an appt in Colorado Springs at the new Children’s Hospital there to meet a new doctor so we won’t have to go to Denver all the time to get his scans done. Colorado Springs is about an hour or so closer. So will probably just stay the night of the 10th in a hotel. We are riding up with my ex (the boys’ dad) because it’s just easier that way. We get along OK now for the most part…but get easily annoyed with each other. We will be getting different hotel rooms. LOL
I hate to put this on here & let people know how big I actually am…but when I weighed at the drs. office on the 28th…356!!!! Now drs scales are ALWAYS 5 lbs more than mine. So I go by mine. πŸ™‚ But seeing that come up….this is the biggest I have EVER been. The fact that I’m less than 50 lbs from weighing 400 lbs?? It has made me want to be more careful about what I eat, though it’s STILL difficult. WHY?! I am doing intermittent fasting…and it seems to help some though sometimes it’s difficult waiting until noon to eat when I get up at like 6 or 7!! LOL I never thought that I would say those words in my lifetime. I have always loved to sleep in. No more though…for whatever reason. A couple of days ago I weighed 347 on mine so 352 on the drs. Now I just need to be able to keep going.
I hope all of you had a very good 4th of July. As I said, I wasn’t feeling great, so just went down to mom’s to watch the fireworks off the mountain & to watch some that Brandon & Justine got for the kids. They liked them but Bella was a bit bored after awhile (she’s 2). Kamden is 5 months old today! They grow so fast! He is such a chunky baby. Definitely a mama’s boy. I get to hold him for awhile but then he has had enough. LOL Maximus really liked the fireworks but he wants to help with everything or just do it himself & gets totally pissed off when he can’t (he’s 4).
Well I will sign off here. I seem to write a ton when I DO write. πŸ™‚ Have a good week.

June 15th

I feel like a dork. I started another blog on WordPress because I couldn’t remember this password…or even what e-mail I used. Then I accidentally did. lol I had only written in the other one a few times anyway. Life hasn’t been going too fabulously for awhile now…and since the beginning of this month, it seems things have gotten a bit worse. “Just” health-wise, but so I have come to learn that’s a huge thing.
First things first though. I’m still talking/texting Jason (the guy in Georgia). I’m happy about that. Would be happier if I could go see him any time soon. There have been a few times that I have just felt like what’s the point of all of this? It’s not like I can just pack up & move out there & he can’t just pack up & move out here either. Plus just some issues with communication. He works a lot, which is cool. Though he’s also tired a lot..though he does message me. But like I told him the other day…we have gotten to the point where we say good morning, how’d we sleep, etc. then maybe text a few times during the day while he’s working & say basically the same things…how is work, how are you feeling, what do you have planned for the day. Then he texts me when he gets home from work..we text briefly & that’s about it. If he hasn’t already fallen asleep earlier, then we say goodnight. He knows I’m not happy with how things are. He’s not sure what to do about it, but there really isn’t anything to be done about it. I think I will just close myself off even more from the world than I already have & just be done with it. The depression is bad. Nothing makes me happy anymore, there’s nothing to that gets me excited anymore. I used to love to play Bingo, go to Cripple Creek to gamble, go to the library just to read & chill out, work on my genealogy, read magazines..things like that. Now NOTHING does anything for me. I don’t think that being with another human being would make me any happier either. I just now admitted that to myself. I think this is just it for me for the next however many years I have. How fucking depressing is THAT? I already take 2 anti-depressants, so I’m pretty sure that this is just who I am now. I don’t go anywhere except for mom’s sometimes & to Wal-Mart when I absolutely HAVE to. That’s it. Well Dominic (my middle son) & I got on drives most days. He drives since he is still getting the hang of it or I drive when he doesn’t feel like driving.
I’m still taking the diet pill…and I’ve lost like a whopping 10 lbs. Yeah..great. I’ve been on it for 3 months & that’s ALL I’ve lost. I think I was just meant to be fat. Though I am trying to NOT get any fatter. I don’t bother going to the doctor anymore. If I could find a new one, I would. But his is a small town. It’s like no matter what doctor I see now, everything is always about my weight. “Oh, you have a runny nose, well if you lost weight, it might help with that.” OK maybe exaggerating a little, but not by much. I really think I should see a cardiologist & need a referral, so I left a message with my regular doctor yesterday saying I wanted one. She doesn’t think there would be anything wrong with my heart, because we just checked it 3 or so years ago. OK..well I’ve also gained 50+ lbs since then. My mom had to see the cardiologist the other day & he was asking her a bunch of questions like if her lower legs swell a lot, if she was off balance, if she felt dizzy, etc. She was able to say no to most of them, but was thinking to herself that I would have said yes to pretty much all of them. I have felt like serious crap this month. I wasn’t feeling great before this month…but I have been tired, have had a low grade fever off & on, my chest hurts sometimes, I’m dizzy & nauseous A LOT. My knee is still hurting quite a bit, but there’s nothing to be done about it. Until I lose weight, they won’t do knee replacement surgery. Not being able to do a lot is not exactly helping me to lose weight. I’m frustrated & annoyed with myself, food, every damn thing.
I can tell you that going to D.C. in April was a real eye opener for me. I really didn’t realize how big I had gotten. People are also VERY rude. The Denver airport was horrible. 4:30am & there’s thousands of people there already & s0 many jerks. When we first got there, I was asked if I needed a wheelchair (because I had a cane with me). I stupidly said no. We stood in line for 45 minutes to an hour before we actually got to go thru security. They are such asses. By the time we got upstairs & almost to where we needed to be, I was breathing hard & I was having some chest pains. The boys freaked out. They went & got someone. Then the paramedics were called. So embarrassing. But they got there & determined that I was OK but that I should get my heart checked when I got back. The boys then didn’t know if we should even GO on the trip because what if that was a bad omen? But Matthew may have not had another chance like this again. So we went. I was proud of all 3 of them for getting on & off planes4x altogether on our trip. Turbulence was sometimes a thing. I think the nicest people were at the airport in St. Louis. Everyone else were total assholes. Anyway, whatever airport we got to the boys made sure I had a wheelchair after the Denver fiasco. lol We were able to get on the plane first most of the time because I had a cane at first, but then it was because both my oldest son Phillip & I had to have an extra seat since we are so big. I was joking around that finally being fat was a beneficial thing. But really I was mortified. We flew Southwest, so we get to pick our own seats anyway. They don’t charge you for extra seats if you ask them when you get there. Thank God. We didn’t have to ask. Guess they took one look at us & KNEW. lol Like I said, not funny at the time. There are so many damn people in D.C!!! The boys said they would never again complain about traffic in Denver. Luckily, we had a driver that picked us up at the airport & took us to our hotel. The hotel was in downtown & was REALLY nice, but the room was kinda small. I was going to see about getting another room for the remainder of the trip, but now after I found out how much it cost! $400 a night!! Make-A-Wish had paid for all of that. So I just dealt with being squished a bit. lol We were only there for 2 full days & then a couple of half ones. We got in Wednesday afternoon & came back Saturday evening. Thursday, nobody wanted to do anything & I couldn’t walk great distances without my cane & even then it was difficult at times. I feel like a burden already. Matthew was upset that he didn’t get to go see the sights. I wasn’t too happy about it either. We just didn’t seem to have the time to do a lot of things.
I’m going to go for now & finish the rest of this later. I’m cranky & tired.

March 27th

A lot to catch up on! OK first the diet pills. I had stopped taking them on March 2nd because I really wasn’t feeling well but didn’t know if it was because of the pills or not. I later saw my doctor & she said to try them again & just keep it at 15 mg a day. So I have been doing that since March 8th. I have lost NOTHING. I belong to a Phentermine support group on FB & they say you need to drink enough water, eat this, not that, exercise, don’t exercise…different things work for different people. I don’t know why I’m not losing anything at all. It’s frustrating. I have “fallen off the wagon” a few times…but not enough to keep me at my same weight…or even a few pounds more. I mostly have been trying to stick to low carb, high fat. I know that I retain water & that has some to do with it, but that can’t be the only issue. I saw a different doctor last Friday because my stomach was in pain & just didn’t feel well. I think it was because I had been taking an iron pill. Who knows. I have always had issues with my stomach off & on since I was a kid. Anyway, they took my blood pressure & it was 168/98! I take what I call a “water pill” for high blood pressure, but my blood pressure is always around “normal.” It has never been THAT high. So she waited a little bit & took it again & it was 140/80. Better, but not fabulous. I know that pain can make your blood pressure go up too. Phentermine can as well. I don’t have a way to check my blood pressure on a regular basis. I should have bought an at home one when I had income tax money still. I still had like $184 yesterday…but then my stupid car payment came thru today! I don’t even get paid until the 3rd. So that screwed me over. I’m now almost $15o overdrawn at the bank (car payment is $334). They’ll charge me an overdraft fee of $35. I don’t remember giving Capital One permission to just take money out of my account. I usually just pay when I get paid. So now I still have another week to get thru. Good thing I did some grocery shopping yesterday & also kept a little bit of money out. I’m going to try to keep a couple of hundred back when I get paid so that I’m not totally broke. If I could do that each month, that would be amazing. OK, back to the Phentermine. It’s supposed to give you energy, but I have felt none. My heart skips sometimes, as that’s a side effect. Not a fun one. I don’t feel good today at all. Hell I’m not sure if there is ANY day where I feel totally good anymore. Then on top of all of that…not to go into huge amounts of detail, but I have been in menopause for awhile now. Had my last period in January 2015. Then last March, I got it again! Called the doctor & she told me that wasn’t normal so she sent me to a gynecologist. I had a procedure done last May to see what the issue was. For some reason, the lining of my uterus was thickening & there was blood in there that shouldn’t be there. But she “scraped” it or whatever & it looked “brand new.” I saw pictures! LOL She then put me on a hormone pill to keep it from happening again. Well she retired & there is a new doctor. I was supposed to have another procedure done to make sure that the pill was working. I kept putting it off because there has been so much going on. Well now I NEED to call & make an appt…because I have been bleeding a bit the last few days. I’m assuming it a March thing. LOL Plus I have such bad cramps today that I don’t feel like doing anything. It’s nice out today…but that means my bedroom gets warm which I hate. So laying down isn’t the most fun or comforting thing ever.
I’m still talking to Jason (the guy in Georgia). We have a major connection & hopefully we can see each other one of these days. Not sure when that will be though. I haven’t talked to Jim since that day I met up with him in Canon…though I did see he sent me a message on KiK a few weeks ago. I didn’t read it.
We took Matthew to Denver on Monday for his first CT scan since he was said to be in remission. We were supposed to go on the 14th, but the weather was too bad then. His scan was clear!! WOO HOO!!! πŸ™‚ So happy about that. He had an MRI done here on his left shoulder yesterday because his shoulder blade pops (really gross) & they think he may have torn something somehow. We will find out tomorrow about that. It’s not his rotater cuff (sp?) which is good.
Justine is feeling better & doing OK. They aren’t sure what the issue was. Which is kinda NOT OK. The kids are doing awesome. I haven’t seen them for a few days, so going thru withdrawals. But after I’m around them & the attitudes for a bit, I’m good to go. LOL
My knee is still hurting quite a bit. I’m only going to PT once a week now. I just could never seem to make it to that second appt. For a few days, my knee was awesome & hardly bothered me at all. But that’s not the normal thing. Regardless, I need to get this place cleaned up & decent looking because a person from Sec. 8 will be here on Friday to do their inspection. I know some people don’t care what their place looks like, but I do. I just need to find a bit of energy. Also I have to take frequent breaks because of my breathing issues. That’s another thing…I can’t do ANYTHING without being totally out of breath & having a hard time getting air into my lungs. It’s embarrassing when it’s at the store or something. I have an appt for that on Friday…a pulmonary test of some sort. Guess it will show if I have COPD or not & if not, then what’s going on. I would rather know that not know.
The boys & I are flying back East on April 10th-13th for Matthew’s Make-a-Wish. We are all nervous about it. None of them have flown before. We have 2 hours in St. Louis & then we fly into D.C.!! I thought they would have someone to drive us around..but nope they are renting us a car. Which is all well & good, but I have a hard enough time driving in Denver! I have no idea where I’m even going out there. I know it will all work out, but am still nervous. I’m also nervous because both Phillip & I are overweight & the whole seating thing on the airlines. I don’t want to be embarrassed & I definitely don’t want him to be embarrassed. If he can sit with his brothers, then that would be good. Whomever sits next to me will just have to suck it up & deal with it. I don’t have the itinerary yet but should be getting that soon. If I didn’t tell you before, Matthew wants to meet the CEO of Bethesda Gaming since he is a gamer & loves the guy. I tried to talk him into Hawaii…but nooooo. πŸ™‚ Then on the way back we have 2 hours in Chicago.
When Luke Perry died on the 4th I was devastated. I have only had a reaction like that once before & that was when Heath Ledger died. But even then, I didn’t cry about it. I actually cried for awhile. Maybe it’s because I watched 90210 so much, but not only that. It’s because he’s only a couple of years older than me. He should have had more years left & it sucks that a stroke could just take him out like that. He couldn’t even say goodbye to anyone. I know that happens most of the time…but is just so sad. 😦 I don’t even like looking at the news anymore. Parents killing their kids & themselves, little kids getting hit by stray bullets, etc. That poor little girl in Tennessee fighting for her life because someone wasn’t paying attention or something. Even if she lives, she won’t be the same as she was & I think that’s horrible.

February 25th

Well physical therapy is going OK. I have been twice. I knew that I wouldn’t be miraculously without pain, but I feel that it’s hurting like it did before surgery. Mostly when I get up from a sitting position. Not sure how much better I will get, but hopefully a little better at least. I’m back home now. Came home on the 21st, I believe. I felt bad leaving mom. That’s me..always feeling guilty or worrying about something.

I saw the doctor on the 20th & was finally able to get the diet pills. Phentermine. I take one a day (15mg) for 2 weeks & then go up to 2 a day. She wants to see me in a couple of weeks. Insurance didn’t pay for them so that was kinda crappy. It’s like $72 a month. I’m going to start taking them today. I’m kinda nervous. I really don’t want to die. All the side effects that could happen. I’m hoping that I’m one of the ones that it really works for & doesn’t cause any major issues. I weighed yesterday morning…so I’m starting out at 353.2 lbs on my scale…which is 358 on the scale at the doctor’s office. Can’t believe I have let myself get this huge. I will have one of my kids take pics every month. Then I will put them on here in a couple of months. I wasn’t sure if I was going to do that or not since I don’t want people who know me in real life reading my blog. LOL But I think it’s only fair since I’m sharing my journey on here. I’m going to start exercising some as well. I have Beach Body on Demand…might as well use it, right? There are a couple of videos on there that I used to exercise too…so will probably do those at first. Even 10 minutes at a time is better than nothing.

I started talking to this guy named Jason I met on-line & yeah I’m totally into him. But it’s new & he lives in Georgia (I’m in Colorado). He’s 8 years younger than me….it may go nowhere, but we talk or text daily. It’s nice to think that all may work out differently this time. But we’ll see.

That guy that I was talking about…Jim…well I drove an hour to see him yesterday. Just to see him & hang out. I wasn’t glad that I did yesterday, but am today. It showed me a few things & I don’t have to worry about it anymore. I’ll be surprised if we can even stay friends at all. He had laundry to do, so I went down there & just hung out with him. We talked some & I didn’t see any problem. I had hugged him when I first got there. Other than that… I don’t know what I was expecting. He’s the one that is always messaging me & telling me he’s lonely & depressed even though he’s married. I told him that he should tell his wife how he feels & he said she doesn’t care. Well..then leave, right? Was I planning on doing anything with him yesterday? No not really. I didn’t know what to expect. But for someone who said how much he wanted to see me….there was NO physical contact except for that first hug. I know that you probably think I’m a horrible for hanging out with a married guy, but like I said, we have been friends for 10 years now even though we haven’t always stayed in constant contact. He didn’t even really talk to me about anything. Kinda joked around some. Then he’s like “well I need to get back.” Okkkayyyy. I didn’t really want to drive down there to begin with. It was a last minute thing because he asked me to & because he sounded so depressed. The roads weren’t THAT bad luckily (it has been snowing here off & on). So I was kinda annoyed that I drove an hour just to hang out at the laundromat for a half hour. LOL So he wouldn’t even hug me again. I messaged him after asking what the hell. OK now THIS is funny & all he had to do was ask me about it…but nooo. Like I said in my other post, I was REALLY sick for over a week. So constantly blowing my nose & dry lips were a thing. So I have a dry/sore spot on my nose…not that huge. It’s healing. My lips have been dry so in one spot it cracked. Now THAT’s painful. It’s healing as I put stuff on it, but it’s not healing as fast as it usually does. Well he messages me & asks “so what’s that on your nose & lip?” I”m like are you kidding me?? I’m assuming he thought it was herpes. I wasn’t going to go down there because of it, but didn’t think it looked THAT bad. Apparently I was wrong. LOL So that’s the reason that he didn’t even want another hug. He thought I was diseased. Whatever dude. Anyway…he was an ass about a few other things in a text. I told him that I cared about him & that I considered him a friend, but if he was going to be an ass…then I was out. He hasn’t said anything since that. You find out who you’re friends are . Besides, I don’t need to be friends with married men. It still kinda sucks though.

Justine is having some health issues.:( They are going to do a CAT scan this week sometime & they took some blood to see if she has some bacteria in her blood. They have her on antibiotics. They told her something about e coli AND salmonella! We haven’t found out for sure what is going on. I hope that she will be OK. The kids are all doing good. πŸ™‚ The baby sleeps a lot. I don’t even really know him yet.

I THINK I finally got my booth set up on Bonanza the way I want it. It took me a while. It’s on my page if you would like to look. It’s rings for men & women. I think some of them are pretty cool.:) Feel free to let me know what you think. Though don’t be TOO harsh. LOL

February 14th

First I want to say HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!! I hope you all had an amazing day. I don’t do well this time of year (ok any time of year really)…but it IS a bit depressing when nobody thinks of you enough to even send a Teddy Bear! LOL A lot has happened since I last wrote. First I want to say that I was RIGHT that Justine would have her baby on February 7th!! πŸ™‚ So Maximus shares his birthday with his little brother. He said that he got a brother for his birthday. Had told his grandma that they could send the other baby (Izzabella) back. LOL Children… Kamden was born at 2:06pm. He has a ton of dark hair. More like Justine when she was a baby. The other two have lighter hair…well Max has white blonde hair. You never know how much it will change though. So far, he’s a pretty chill baby. I haven’t been able to see or hold him much yet & I wasn’t there for the birth…but mom was able to be so I’m happy about that. Max & Bella have been VERY sick & Justine as well, so there is some concern about Kamden getting sick too. Justine is having some complications with her stomach really hurting, so she’s going to the doctor in the morning & taking Kamden with her so he can be checked as well. He has started sneezing some. I just hope that all is good.

OK…I was able to have my surgery on the 4th as planned. πŸ™‚ He removed some torn cartilage & a bone spur. It has felt much better & I haven’t had a lot of pain since ( knock on wood). I had to go back to the ER the same night for excessive bleeding…but after they re-wrapped it, all was good. I have been staying at my mom’s since, which hasn’t been bad, but I miss my boys & my apartment. Though I dread seeing what a mess I’m sure it is, since none of them like doing dishes. :/ The place had better NOT be a total disaster. While Justine was in the hospital, Max & Bella were here…and they were sick as I said. Well guess who else got sick? Yep both mom & I. Though she seems to push thru it & keep doing things (cleaning some, going to the store, etc) while I have always been one to just be DOWN when I’m sick. I have not been THIS sick in awhile! Fever, fatigue, stuffy nose that would NOT stop running. That started on the 8th & I’m still getting over it. Still not feeling fabulous. I tried to sleep a lot…that worked somewhat. For some reason, I have a hard time sleeping here. I’m in the bed, then I’m out on the couch in the living room, then I’m back in the room. I can’t get comfortable. They gave me some Percocet for my knee & I have only taken a few. I have learned that I shouldn’t take any of those at night or anywhere close to when I go to bed. It makes the restlessness worse. Mom said she thought I was on the phone the other night, because I was talking to someone. Well….who knows who THAT was! Kinda creepy. Then last night I felt like I couldn’t breathe & really had to struggle. Like how some people describe sleep paralysis, I guess? I’m awake, but can’t draw a breath. I have to really force it, like something is keeping me from breathing. Scary ass feeling. It has only happened a few other times, at my apartment so I don’t even know what causes it? I thought maybe it was the pain pills. But I don’t think I had pain pills at the apartment when it happened. I don’t like that feeling.

I went to my after surgery appt on the 12th. He said that my knee probably will NOT make it for the rest of my life. He also said that I HAVE to lose weight or it’s just going to be worse. Like I don’t know this. He wasn’t mean about it. I just get frustrated. I see my regular doctor on the 20th & will talk about the diet pill then, I guess. Yes maybe it’s not good for me, but neither is being fat. I started watching what I eat yesterday. It’s really hard not to eat at night or when I want or when I feel like it. Not being able to eat certain things…because I can’t control it after I start…is difficult Some people can eat in moderation…I am NOT one of them. So I just have to try to focus. Try to get thru each second for awhile. I started drinking hot water with apple cider vinegar in it & some honey…that’s supposed to have some health benefits & help a little with weight loss. I need to read more about it. I’m stressed out about this whole weight loss thing, but will work at it. I have physical therapy on the 19th (was supposed to have it today…but wasn’t feeling well enough)…and will see what all I can do as far as exercise goes & being able to walk up the stairs at my apt. I have a lot of anxiety about all of this really. All of these health issues.

My oldest son, Phillip turned 21 yesterday!!! I wasn’t able to take him anywhere, which depressed me, but will when I feel better. He said he had a good day. My mom took him by the Elks & bought him a drink. He already drinks on weekends at his aunt’s house (his dad’s sisters). I told him he needs to be careful, because he also can’t do anything in moderation. I don’t want it to become an issue. :/ But he has to make decisions on his own now. Very hard to give up that mom control. LOL

February 3rd

A new month already! I’m soooo observant, right?:) I’m SUPPOSED to have surgery on my knee in the morning. I will believe that when I’m in the operating room! LOL I’m nervous, but it will be nice to have it done. I don’t know if it will make it better or worse. A lot of things we just don’t know until we do them. I don’t know how I’m feeling tonight. Restless, depressed, alone, lonely (2 different things). I haven’t had my Effexor for going on the 3rd night….not a good idea. The last two nights I had just forgotten to take it & then tonight I went to take one & find that I don’t have any. So will have to call it in & have someone go get it for me tomorrow. I have been a serious bitch for the past 2 days. I can FEEL the mean. I have no patience, everything annoys me, I get depressed over everything, I start saying stupid things in my FB group that I’m an admin in…yet people just assume I’m that way, I guess. Or they ignore me. It would be nice if someone would ask me if I was doing OK. They don’t. What do I expect though, right? They are having their own issues in life. It would just be nice to believe someone actually cares (outside of my immediate family) if I lived or died. About death…what if I don’t wake up after surgery? I’m 49, overweight & not in the best of health. I can’t breathe after walking a ridiculously small amount. I don’t know. I think about my kids & that’s who I’m sticking around for. Life is NOT easy as I have probably said a zillion times since I started writing in this blog. I HAVE to remember to take my pills daily from now on. I can’t stand myself when I’m not on them. I’m like this totally bitchy, mean person who doesn’t really give a shit about anything. Excuse the language.

Have you ever noticed that when you really like someone…they don’t like you as much or vice versa? Why is that a thing?? Why can’t the feeling be mutual? It may happen for some people. It does NOT happen for me. The only guy in my life who hasn’t bailed is a guy named Jim that I have known since February 2009. Even he has not been a constant in my life all that time, but he has always contacted me from time to time & it’s like we haven’t NOT talked for whatever length of time. He’s married but not happy. Yeah, same story that a lot of people seem to come up with these days. I think he has been married for 8 years this time. He was married to someone else when I first met him & he was in the Army. He has been out for awhile now. That wife treated him like crap. I think he just “takes it” & makes himself get all depressed & down on himself. He was single for a little while after that, but I wasn’t….well I was going thru a separation & eventual divorce & I was not in a good place in my life. There would have been no way that it would have worked out then. Then he married again & he said they were happy for awhile, but now her mom lives with them & she never wants to do anything & he needs affection. I’m horrible at texting him back, but maybe that’s because I know it’s wrong. If he’s unhappy, then he should leave, but I think he is one of those guys (or people) who doesn’t want to be alone (like my ex husband). I can’t be with him full time now. My kids are still with me & I won’t make the mistake of having a guy around them again unless he’s just a friend or just hanging out. No more living with us. Jim lives a couple of hours away & I haven’t seen him in a few years now. It WOULD be good to see him again…but who knows where THAT would lead. I’m lonely, it’s a bad time of year for me…probably wouldn’t be the best idea. I’m not going to lie & say that I may not see him though. He keeps saying he wants to see me. I just want to scream sometimes. Life needs to be a little more happy & a lot less complicated.

Dominic turned 17 on the 28th! I can’t believe that he’s that age already! I guess everyone says that when they have kids. We had some cake & ice cream down at mom’s. I still need to get him something. I hadn’t gotten paid yet at the time. I may not have anything after bills either, will have to wait & see. My great-nephew, Maximus will be 4 on the 7th & his sister will be 2 on March 3rd. Their mom is due again on February 14th. I think she’ll have him on Max’s birthday. Just my prediction. LOL I saw both Max & Bella tonight at mom’s. They are getting sick again.:( NOT a good time to be sick. She won’t get their immunizations which freaks me out even more, but she’s the parent & not much I can say about it, though I have.

Another reason I’m depressed is because I have been talking to these other couple of guys…one lives in Virginia & the other in Alabama. So it’s not like either one will go anywhere. But they are cool as friends. Though they really need to make the effort to text me first sometimes. I’m at the point now that if you don’t make the effort, then oh well. I used to chase after them or try to get them to talk to me. Too old for that nonsense. Though it still bothers me when they act like they care for a few days, then act like they don’t for 2 weeks & then act like they do again…etc. etc.

I think I just need to go to bed & hope for the best tomorrow. I will write again soon. Thank you for reading this.

January 23rd

The reason I know today is the 23rd is because it says so on my computer…seriously…days blend together. One right after the other…morning, noon, night & repeat. Very pathetic.

Guess who DIDN’T have surgery? Yep, that would be me. I called Monday morning just to be sure what time I needed to be there. They told me that I had been taken off the schedule. I was soooo pissed. I had an appt to see my regular doctor later that day..for that pre-op that I didn’t need done. I got there & the nurse…she’s very cool…younger than me…I told her about the surgery thing & that they had said that they hadn’t gotten any “go ahead” from them. She looked like she was about to cry & had had enough. She said that she had made sure that she had sent all of that back the week before…so actually it was the other doctor’s office that screwed up. The nurse, Brandi, said that this Saturday was her last day working there. She had just had enough. She’s going to be working in a vet clinic. I told her that I thought she was brave to do what she wanted to do instead of staying in a job that she hated. I live in a small town. In recent years, there have been A LOT of new people moving in. Mostly older & most with money. There aren’t many high paying jobs around here & places have become expensive, so they have to have money to live here. They act like they’re entitled & very uppity. She didn’t say those words, but I told her that’s how I saw it. Well she brought up entitled first, but yeah I have noticed, believe me. As far as I’m concerned, these rich people can go back to where they came from. Getting back on the subject of my knee…the doctor said she was sorry that had happened & that she hopes that I can get it taken care of soon. I DO like her, but sometimes it feels rushed & they just want you in & out as fast as possible. Probably because mostly they do! LOL I don’t think I could have ever been a doctor. Too much “people” time. Yuck. She ordered me an inhaler to use after any type of physical activity. Like coming up the stairs..not being able to get much air as I’m huffing & puffing. That’s when I have the wheezing going on as well. I haven’t picked it up yet. Like I said…not going much of anywhere unless I HAVE to. I called the other doctor to see when I can get my knee operated on. The woman who makes the appts, was supposed to call back within 48 hours…yeah…sure. LOL Oh well. I’m still in pain, but not HORRIBLE at the moment. I have just decided that I’m going to have to deal with this on my own. Nobody cares that I’m in pain. A lot of people in the world are in some kind of pain. We just all have to learn to get thru it any way we can.

When I weighed myself the other day (I was scared to do so), I was surprised that I have actually stayed about the same weight. WHEW!! Yes I would have liked a loss…but the no gain thang…THAT made me happy! I may still be 350 lbs, but at least it’s not like 360+ like I was afraid it might be.

Worried about Matthew & he’s worried too. Says his neck/throat hurt some & he has started “clearing” his throat again…like he did when he was sick…because he felt he had “stuff” in his chest…which turned out to be a large mass the last time. 😦 He was supposed to see the doctor in Denver tomorrow, but we aren’t going to be able to make it. The weather has been pretty cold & snowy here. I called & they will make another appt for him for next week or the week after. I told him that if he thinks he wants to go to the ER, to just let me know & we would go.

I just want to sleep today…and yesterday too. I have gotten some of my room cleaned up today, helped Matthew with some homework, did the dishes & gone thru some things that I needed to. I know I sound really lazy usually, but I DO try to get things done while I’m being a hermit. This seems to be what they call “existing.”

January 21st

Matthew had his port taken out on the 14th. He was a little nervous & so was I….but that’s my natural state. It all went well. He just had a little pain from it, but is doing OK now. Though, for some reason, his left shoulder blade hurts & you can hear it “popping” when he moves that arm. It’s the left side that things started in. He told me today that whenever he has any pain in his chest or arm that he is scared that it’s his heart. I don’t think I ever told him that chemo can sometimes cause damage to it. I won’t tell him that dammit. I won’t scare him anymore than he already is scared. I’m so scared sometimes that I feel like I’m going to throw up. He doesn’t deserve this. He should be a teenager & not have to worry about cancer & his heart. No kid should have to be scared or worry about that. I just want him to be OK. I want all of my kids to be OK. Nobody knows how things will turn out in their lives. I read biographies & autobiographies more now….even reading the beginning & the middle…we, as the readers, KNOW how things turn out for them…the good, the bad, the horrific. But at that time they DIDN’T know….and though they probably wish they did sometimes, like I do…none of us would REALLY want to know how it’s going to turn out. Who wants to know all the trials & heartache, the sicknesses, the deaths of loved ones that we would all have to go thru BEFORE it happened? Not me. Because what would be the point of even living then? We would be too worried about those times to enjoy life at all.

I have pretty much been holed up in my room for the past 10 days. I go a couple of places every 2-3 days if I HAVE to. I have seriously isolated myself huge this time & I don’t even care. Well to an extent I’m worried about it. What if I’m just this way now? Not wanting to do anything or go anywhere? BOTH of my knees AND my shoulders hurt now. I think my shoulders do because I’m using my arms more than usual as far as getting up off the bed (I really should put the frame under it) or when I’m walking up the stairs I use my arms a lot to either hold on to the walls (push out against) or use the railing. I have to go up & down the stairs….right foot on one step, left foot on the step next to the right one, then the right one again…etc. Talk about tiring & annoying, but it hurts too much to bend my knee. My right knee…I think they screwed that up somehow by giving me those shots. That one REALLY hurt & I couldn’t walk for a few minutes. Now it hurts more than ever, but not as bad as the left one yet. The pain & the depression are seriously kicking my ass. I have surgery today at noon. I have to be there at 11am. I had gotten a call last Wednesday from the knee drs office saying that my regular doctor didn’t want me having surgery until after she saw me again for another pre-op appt. I was SOOOO pissed! I would have to wait until mid-February for surgery. I called & left a message for her nurse saying there was NO WAY I could go on like this for another month. Nothing has changed since she saw me at the end of November. Luckily, the dr had her nurse call me & tell me that it was OK for me to go ahead & have surgery. THEN I was reading that if you have a lot of arthritis in said knee, that surgery really won’t make it better & that other options should be discussed first. GREAT. He told me from the beginning that I would need an eventual knee replacement. That I had severe arthritis under that knee cap. So I don’t even know if this is going to help or not. I pray to God that it doesn’t make things worse. I’m afraid of the pain (though I’m in pain now) & I’m also afraid of not waking up. So many stressful things. I haven’t really weighed during all of this, because I haven’t been taking my “water pills” on a regular basis since it hurts so much getting up & I didn’t want to have to get up constantly to go to the bathroom. Without those, I gain about 10 lbs in 2 days. I don’t exaggerate on that. It’s ridiculous. What I’m afraid of…..after all of this is that I will get on the scale & it will be more than 350 lbs or even close to 400 lbs! I have never been up that high, but not being able to do much & ALWAYS being hungry (though I think that’s mostly due to being bored and/or depressed) is not a good combo for losing any weight. So I really need to just chill on my eating somehow. I will be staying with my mom for a week probably, since I won’t be able to get up & down the stairs for a few days. Maybe being down there will help me not want to eat so much? IDK. Just a lot of things going on in my mind. Plus other weird symptoms going on in my body. The other morning I woke up & my jaw was a little stuck & was popping every time I chewed something..though that seems to have gone away (knock on wood). But just like “electrical shocks” in my head or something. I don’t even know how to explain it. It doesn’t happen all of the time & really just started happening yesterday (well the 19th). Then also for the last couple of days, my body has been “jerking” at random times…like when you’re sometimes about to fall asleep & your body jumps? Kinda like that…but throughout the day while I’m awake. I mean WTF? I just have to take it one day at a time at this point. I don’t even know what else to do.

January 10th

Man I seriously suck at this consistency thing. I haven’t decided if I will keep up with the January prompts or not…I may just put them altogether for the past week. I went to the knee doctor on the 7th. They think that the torn meniscus (sp?) probably flipped over & that causes more pain. Surgery is tentatively set for the 21st. I can walk a bit better, but usually have to use the cane. My oldest went to Wal Mart with me yesterday because we absolutely needed some groceries. I didn’t use the cane then because…well a vanity thing, I guess. I don’t want people seeing me using a cane. Phillip told me I could use one of those cart things…I was like “hell no! Don’t you know that’s how those memes are made?!” LOL It was tiring, but we got it done. We had a note on our door yesterday from the landlord (I live in government housing). Someone had brought in a used couch & thought they may have brought bed bugs in! OK, for one, I had never thought about bed bugs before, even though my grandma would tell us good night when we were little & say “don’t let the bed bugs bite.” Who knew that they were disgusting little bugs…man I HATE bugs. So they had us check for them…I had to look up a youtube video to see what it was I was supposed to be looking for. I didn’t really need to know what the little icky things do. I can’t unread that. Blah. They checked the other apartments. I told her that I was sick, so she just had me look. Luckily they didn’t find any. We would have had to take EVERYTHING out & not bring most of it back in. I was like how in the hell am I supposed to get THAT done??? They may still spray they said. The girl downstairs had been looking for a couch on one of the local sale sites. Guess she thought she might’ve brought some in. You gotta be careful with 2nd hand stuff. I am so used to using emojis, that it’s weird that I can’t on here.

Matthew gets his port taken out on the 14th in Colorado Springs. He is VERY happy about that. πŸ™‚ His dad is going to drive him down there & I will just ride with them. We get along better now, but I know his gf probably doesn’t like it, though she has nothing to worry about. Then Children’s Hospital called & he has an appt there (in Denver) on the 24th. I probably won’t be able to go to that one since I’m supposed to be having surgery on the 21st. I haven’t told Dave about that appt yet, but I know he probably won’t be too happy about having to drive all the way to Denver. It’s just to see the doctor & do some blood work. Then he goes back in March to get PET scans done…every 3 months for a year at least. I still belong to a couple of FB groups for people or families affected by Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. It’s hard for me to read any of that stuff now though, because I don’t want to know the statistics & some talk about them a lot. In the beginning, I kept looking stuff up about it & after a bit decided that it was NOT a good idea to keep doing it. It’s good to be informed about what is going on, but it’s my kid that we’re talking about…and I just want him to stay healthy until he’s really old. I think we all want that for our kids.

School started back on Monday. Even though Dominic & Matthew do on-line school…it’s no walk in the park. I think they both realized pretty fast that this may be harder than public school. Matthew wants to go back in the Fall to public school even though there are some crappy teenagers around here. Plus I don’t want him hanging out with the wrong kids again. That’s one of the reasons I pulled him out of school to begin with. But I can’t watch over him 24/7 & I know that he need to be able to be a teenager. It was hard before, but even harder now. The school (on-line) had given him a break the last Semester because of the chemo. But now he has to stay caught up. I have been trying to help him some without actually DOING the work. Algebra STILL sucks. Dominic has always been a good student, but last semester…he just wasn’t doing the work. He ended up with all D’s & one F! That’s not like him at all. I think he was just stressed out about Matthew. He said he would do better this semester & I told him he HAD to because if they kick him out, he WILL have to go back to public school for his Senior year & I know that he doesn’t want to. He is a serious introvert. Has no friends at all. Even when he was in public school he had acquaintances, but not really friends. I worry how he’s going to make it in the real world. He says he’ll be fine. I hope so. I worry about all of my kids. I don’t know what I will do without them when they are all out on their own. I know that’s the way things are supposed to be, but change is hard for me. Plus I have never been totally on my own. I know that I will adapt, but it depresses me some.

I’m hurting tonight. Well I hurt most of the time anymore actually. I absolutely hate it. Quality of life is important to me. I don’t want to spend the next 20 years or whatever in pain. I know you’re not supposed to say it like that because the Universe is listening…but it’s still true. I realize that I will never not be in pain from here on out, but I just want it to be tolerable. I can totally see how people get hooked on pain killers. If there was one that took away at least the majority of my pain? Yeah I would be all over that. BOTH knees are hurting tonight. I have felt nauseous off & on since I first got Vertigo. I still have some…I forget not to move my head too fast or to not get up too fast from bending over to get something. The nausea is pretty bad at times.

I know that this will mean nothing to anyone but me, but my great aunt Flossie would be 120 today! She was a sweet woman who was old even when I was a kid. LOL Well old to me anyway. She was 70 when I was born. She was born in 1899 in Missouri. I really need to get started on my genealogy again. I just have to figure out how to be more organized about it & everything else in my life. Time management is at the top of my list. I am horrible about that. I’m never anywhere on time…always at least a little late. I know that drives some people crazy. I have always been that way. Though I am trying to be better about it now.

January 6th

I will be answering some questions (3 days’ worth) in a bit. I just wanted to write down what’s been going on. I have not felt good AT ALL. I think I told you that I had vertigo a couple of weeks ago? Well it’s kinda back. It’s not as bad as it was (knock on wood) but it’s there & this time it’s making me extremely nauseous. That pretty much started yesterday. I started taking the pills again for that & they help somewhat. My knee is the same as it has been. I go to the doctor in the morning. Hoping that the vertigo is under control by then…it’s hard enough to walk with my knee being the way it is, without having to deal with dizziness too. Especially going down stairs. I don’t know why all of this is happening to me all at once. I know that other people have it worse off than me, but that really does not make me feel better at the moment. I hate when people tell me that there is always someone out there that is going thru worse stuff. Why even say that? We all know that there is always something worse, but that doesn’t mean that what we feel or are going thru doesn’t mean a damn thing & that we should just suck it up & deal with it.

What I feel most bad about are 2 things. 1. That my mom isn’t feeling great either & her back is causing her some serious pain. Yet she still keeps pushing thru it. I know that she needs some help…which I’m usually there for…but I can’t do a damn thing to help her right now & that pisses me off. 2. Is the fact the I have become a burden on my kids already. I have always said that I didn’t want to be a burden on anyone ever. Certainly not so soon. So I’m struggling with that. I try not to think negatively or wonder what if they can’t fix my knee/leg? What if I can’t ever walk normal again? Like I was walking normal in the first place! HA! Seriously though…I need to be able to walk & DO things. Staying in bed is not all it’s cracked up to be. Maybe if it was a choice rather than a have to, it would be different, but as it is now…it just sucks. I’m bored out of my mind. I have Netflix, books, this computer, etc, yet feel like I don’t want to do any of those things. I have watched a few episodes of a couple of TV shows over the past few days, but that’s it. Pretty much between American Horror Story & Criminal Minds. I didn’t feel good at all last night & slept a couple of hours…like 8pm-10pm. Then was up for a bit. Felt anxious & just not “good.” Had one of my “episodes,” where I half wake up (but don’t really remember the actual event) & yell that I can’t breathe & then end up on the floor somehow. Even with my leg I ended up by my door. Phillip & Matthew came running in like they usually do. They were freaked out & wanted me to go to the hospital. I didn’t feel like going & what would be the point anyway? They would just tell me to see my regular doctor sometime this week. My stomach was upset, so after they felt that I was OK & went out of the room, I had to go in the bathroom & be sick. :/ I felt somewhat better after that. Today…I don’t feel fabulous, but am trying to get a few things done even though I’m sitting on my bed to do them. I have to get up early enough so that I have time in the morning to take a shower. Everything is being done in slow motion. I have wrote some of it on my FB page & people have been concerned…but there isn’t really anything anyone can do. I don’t even know what to do for myself. FRUSTRATING. Then to top it all off…I feel constantly hungry which is NOT OK. I don’t feel that I have been eating a lot & not many carbs. But I WANT to. If I could go to the store, I would get some junk food no doubt. But I have to rely on other s to go to the store for me. Mom took my two younger ones to Wal Mart the other day to get some groceries for us. I can’t spend any more money now until I figure out some bills. It upsets me a bit that Justine nor my sisters call or text me to ask how I’m doing. I know that Justine knows…I assume she’s not calling or texting because I can’t go down there to hang out or over to mom’s to hang out or can’t watch the kids…so why bother to call me? :/ I’m just glad that all of this didn’t happen the week mom & I were watching the kids for her. Nobody wants to deal with someone when they are sick or depressed. That REALLY sucks.